Recipe for Disaster
Preface (08/14/14)
There are a few constants in the GCCGL that you can take to the bank. Cletus will annoy 90% of the league members, Syndrome will offend someone throughout the course of the season, Big Donkey will complain about his golf game and Couzin’ Joe will produce an inspirational speech to fire up his team every 3 – 4 years.
This is it. We are down to the final week of the 2014 GCCGL season. It was another beautiful day for golf and once again we had a great turnout with 23 of 24 golfers showing up thanks to another couple of subs filling in. Thanks to Mike Reinersman and Brian Roddy. This is a longer blog post than usual so hang in there. I only have two more weeks and I have a lot to say!
The top four teams are within 10 points of the lead and the 5th place team is within 15 points going into the final Best Ball scramble. That means it really is anyone’s championship except for Balls and Dolls who was knocked out of contention when Lickert chose Cletus as her B Player. Not only did this set up Balls and Dolls for a season of ridicule and disappointment but it reduced old man Cletus to a shell of his former self. Forced to play against some of the league’s best players and longest hitters, Cletus struggled to keep up with this younger generation of players. The old man began developing symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Tee Shot Disorder). By the middle of the season, he had already began experiencing involuntary spasms every time he’d hear the crack of his opponent’s tee shot hitting square on the club face and traveling 250+ down the middle of the fairway. He tried to compensate by getting other members of the league to participate in the Cletus Tally but it backfired. No one is afraid to place bets with him anymore and his “on the course” head games……well, they’ve just become little minor annoyances instead of strategic tactics which nobody falls for anymore.
But it’s not all about Cletus and Balls and Dolls. The great All-GCCGL Commissioner team experiment seems to have been an epic failure. I warned Kurt not to draft Bleeker…..nah, just kidding. It’s obvious that Bleeker was not the problem. This hasn’t been one of the best years for the Portuguese Warrior. After a pretty good season last year, early attendance problems, old age and a seriously technically flawed swing has me re-thinking this whole golf thing. And it didn’t help that my own teammate would remind me of my failures each and every week. Many of you don’t know this but co-commissioner Cupcake is the man behind the curtain, or in this case, the blog. Every week he emails me a summary of what went on in the GCCGL and it pretty much goes something like this:
Cletus annoyed someone….
Syndrome offended someone….
Goldie threw something….
Almeida sucked again…..
But that’s OK. I have an off-season, comprehensive improvement plan that will redeem my place in this league. I’ll give you a clue, it involves a lot of drinking.
With four of the six teams having a legitimate shot at winning the GCCGL championship in the final week, the stress levels are high and everyone is looking for any advantage they could get going into week 18. Enter….Couzin’ Joe. His team, Carrier to the Hole and Duer, had a big week this week and beat down the first place team, Morning Wood (24 – 16). This was huge because it positioned the 2nd – 4th place teams within 10 points and has Morning Wood reeling. This could be the greatest comeback or greatest collapse in GCCGL history happening right now. CJ exercised his captain duties and sent out an inspirational email to his team this week. For those of you versed in GCCGL history, its déjà vu all over again. Four years ago on August 12th, 2010, the now infamous Crunch Time email was drafted and sent to Couzin’ Joe’s team. We’ll call this little gem, We Got This!
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From: Joe Cook [mailto:joe.cook25@gmail.com]
Sent: Friday, August 15, 2014 11:00 AM
To: Carrier, Joseph; Duer, Nick; Gustafson, Glen
Subject: FINAL WEEK
Fellas, I have to say I’m pretty darn fired up this morning. While Big Donkey is tweeting about how pissed he is about his game and not confident about his team next week, I’m turning the corner. I’m ecstatic. I’m so pumped up and so proud. I hadn’t played a decent 9 in a month. Last night changed this entire season. We now have a legit shot to win this entire thing. We control our own destiny. With a win next week in the scramble, we are guaranteed 2nd place. With a win and 2 spots higher than Morning Wood we are league champs. Picture that! League Champs! After all we’ve been through?!? We started slow. Then we got hot. Then we cooled off and dropped off the face of the earth. Now were hot again. This could go down as the greatest season in GCCGL history if we pull this off. WE GOT THIS!
Glen: I know you are not going to be around next week. We are trying to get Ken Glaser to sub for you. Don’t worry about find a sub. WE GOT THIS! Just know we will still put your name on the trophy when we hold it up next week.
Let’s go get em boys!
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Can you smell that? That’s the stench of genuine GCCGL passion and it’s oozing out of Couzin’ Joe like testosterone out of a lascivious teenager at a boarding school. And he’s spreading it around to his teammates! You gotta love this. Every GCCGL member should have this amount of dedication and desire to win the coveted GCCGL Championship. To show you how passionate CJ is about the greatest golf league in the history of golf leagues, we have a confidential, never seen before, GCCGL exclusive! The following top secret document was anonymously delivered to the GCCGL offices, late Friday evening. No postmark, no return address. It was immediately sent to our lab in Milford for analysis and it has been deciphered as Couzin’ Joe’s GCCGL member rating system. This system was used to select his team, CTTHAD. It’s a complex, elaborate and highly intricate point system which investigators have dubbed Project Secret Sauce. Unfortunately, whoever sent this document to the GCCGL office, purposely left out one critical piece of the puzzle, the weight given to the four variables, Handicap, 3 year point total, Wins and Games. Despite flying in experts from as far away as Helsinki, the formula could not be cracked. If Carrier to the Hole and Duer wins the championship, this system will become the recipe for success for future GCCGL captains for years to come. Here is it for the first time ever. Click on the image for a larger view.
I love the fact that before this year, I had the same three year point total as Nick “Potter” Duer! I should have retired from the GCCGL at the end of last season and left on top! The big winners this week were Das Boots are Made for Golfing who destroyed Balls and Dolls (26 – 14). They were led by J.J. who won 8 points and has clinched the 2014 Points Leader with 86.5 points. Congratulations Joe! As stated earlier, Carrier to the Hole and Duer crushed Morning Wood (24 – 16). They were led by Joe Carrier who took 8.5 points. Seriously, we need a nick name here. There has to be someone in this company that has something on Joe…..anything. Finally, Schmuck Dynasty defeated Putt Pirates (22 -18). They were led by the gentle giant, Gobstopper who grabbed 8 points. The low net winners were Brian Roddy (A/B) with a low net of 30 and Seiter, Carrier and Bachmann (C/D) with a low net of 31. Great rounds and congratulations!
In other news, Seiter birdied #16 by hitting his third shot off the cart path, rolling on the green and into the hole. Ridiculous! Big Ed Petryk won the jackpot and scored three 7’s in a row (777)! Goldie owns Lip Gloss (5 – 0). Wild Card flew in from Costa Rica and snuck in a round of golf to get his attendance rate to a smudge above 40%. Almeida sucked again….oh we covered that already. B & D are back to their old habits…..losing BIG.
We finish the 2014 GCCGL season with the Best Ball Scramble on the Willows front nine. Remember, to adhere to the scramble rules as dictated by Section 9A-1, The Witzgall Incident in the GCCGL bylaws. Also, please remember, everyone in the foursome MUST use at least one drive. The teams will tee off in the order of the standings. The first place team will tee off first, second place team will tee off 2nd and so on. PLEASE BE ON TIME! Finally, to all subs who WANT to play full-time, PLEASE email me to add you to the waiting list. You must commit to a 60 – 70% attendance rate (more on that next week). This promises to be a hell of a finish to a fantastic GCCGL season. Hope to see you on the course and as always, hit ’em straight!
George Almeida – GCCGL founder and co-commissioner
