2015 – Week 1
And the 20th anniversary season of the GCCGL is on its way! There are pros and cons to starting the season a week earlier than usual in April. A pro is that we all get to play golf one week earlier which can only be a good thing, right? A con is that April in northern KY can be as unpredictable as Ollie’s hair color. Man it was cold on this opening night! That didn’t stop the league participants from recording a perfect attendance rating out of the box. We had all 24 golfers in attendance thanks to three substitutes; Mike Tucker, Steve Toerner and Adam Schott. Thanks for filling in boys!
Let’s get right to it. The conditions were tough to say the least. Not only was it a bit nippy but it was made all the worse with consistent 20+ mile per hour wind gusts blowing in our faces! Daddy Day Care was first off the tee. This is a GOOD thing AND a BAD thing. Let me explain. When Daddy Day Care tees off first, it means Cletus tees off first. We all know how Cletus can be on the first tee. He can be a bit crude, loud, insulting, insensitive and downright obnoxious. And that’s on one of his good days. The best part of Cletus teeing off first is getting rid of him early and teeing off in peace! Ah, but of course, there’s the flip side. If Cletus tees off first, then that means he’ll be waiting for you in the gallery as you approach the ninth hole. Not only that, but because he’s in the first group and has to wait for the other five foursomes, you can bet your ass he’ll be pretty liquored up by the time those last couple of foursomes make their way in. That only exasperates the situation and his voice gets a little louder, his tone turns a little meaner and the insults become a little saltier.
Case in point. The fifth team to come in was Three Men and an Ollie. By that time, Cletus had already unleashed his “cletusness” on several poor saps, including me. As I stood over my ball, sizing up an important chip shot, Cletus was letting the expletives fly. I was trying to concentrate on sticking the chip shot to shut his trap but I was really thinking about sticking my sand wedge somewhere on Cletus’ person. I duffed the shot in typical Almeida fashion and laughed it off. Way to step up in the clutch George! I stink. Cletus 1, the Portuguese Warrior 0. But back to Three Men and an Ollie. They were struggling a bit on the last hole and got on the green in 4 and were left with a “Danny DeVito” to make par. You know what a “Danny DeVito” is right? In other words, they were left with an ugly 5 footer (that’s a recycled joke for you newbies). Tucker misses the first attempt, oh so close. Up steps Ollie. I’ll try to paint the scene as best I can for the last foursome who missed it. As Ollie over-analyzed the putt, walking behind the hole, to the side and back around, the cold air stinging everyone’s hands like a nun’s ruler in a Catholic school homeroom and the sun falling faster than the Massholes’ chances of winning the GCCGL championship; the wind picking up and blowing Ollie’s “naturally” artificially colored locks over his Bjorn Borg headband, it seemed as if time had slowed down and everything was moving in slow motion. Cletus was yelling something about how Ollie resembled Olivia-Newton John which then prompted some gallery members to start singing the words to the Grammy award winning 80’s pop hit, “Let’s get physical”. While all this is happening and laughter is erupting, Ollie steps up and knocks the putt down! Ollie 1, Cletus and gallery 0.
What can I say about the preseason predictions made last week? They sucked! Two early season favorites, Roller and Duer Again and Three Men and an Ollie finished next to last with (+1) while Daddy Day Care and The Offensive Line finished tied for first at (-2). Sandwiched in between them alone in 3rd place was The Big Bang Theory at (-1). So much for this team finishing last. Nah, that was left to The Massholes who brought up the rear at (+2). Of course, as the “D” player and the anchor of this team, I take full responsibility for the poor performance of the Massholes. Everyone in this league knows that your team is only as good as your “D” player. We’re in trouble.
In other news, the first few foursomes grossly underestimated the amount of pitchers needed to keep the final few foursomes lubricated long enough for some post round banter. It was cold so let’s chalk it up to the weather, but just know that the thirsty eyes of the GCCGL are watching and remember, there is a cost to teeing off early and often. The self-proclaimed, “Year of the Cletus” is officially on the way. It featured a “glove and jean” ensemble that would have made Lonnie the banjo boy from Deliverance proud. Here I go again, making references that leave our younger members scratching their underprivileged and deprived heads. For those youngsters who don’t get the reference, go out and rent the movie Deliverance. It’s a “feel-good” movie about a little pig who gets lost in the forest and…………. well, I don’t want to ruin it for ya.
Finally, we need nick names for the following members quick!
Brooks (anyone remember what his was?)
Carrier (Angry Lobster was recommended)
Roddy (need some help here)
Seiter (is there an official nick name here?)
Szylakowski (because I can’t type this ANY LONGER!)
The closest-to-the-pin winners were Goldie (A/B) and Brooks (C/D). Congratulations to the winners! A shout out to Cletus who bought everyone at BW’s a round of shots. Who knew liquor was so damn expensive! Yikes! Thanks Cletus! We continue with our first match play event of the season on the Willows front next week. Although we finished with plenty of daylight, the Flo-rida scramble format helped out a lot. So please, get to the tee on time. We will most likely tee off the lower handicap players first followed by the higher handicap players. Let’s hope for warmer weather and as always, hit ‘em straight!
George Almeida – GCCGL Co-Commissioner
