Kreyling Korner – Week #9 – 06/16/16
THE LIPSMACKER MATCH OF THE WEEK
A win and a loss in week 8 takes the Glossy One’s overall MOW record to 4-7-1. The goal at the beginning of the year was to be at least .500 on the season. There’s lots of time to make up this deficit with educated and well-disciplined picks…but where is the fun in that?
A/B Group – Joe “Cousin Joe” Cook vs. Pete “Goldie” Goldenberg. I never would have thought this, but Cook is a perfect 3-0 lifetime against Pete. Nothing against Joe, it’s just that Pete hardly ever has a career losing record against anyone in the league. This obviously is not the case in 2016. Pete isn’t exactly tearing it up this year as his overall record stands at 0-5. The rough season has resulted in “excessive” Angry Pete, which has been well documented. One story that was left out last week happened between holes 4 and 5. On hole 4, Pete missed a putt and took a 6 on the hole. Say the line from Happy Gilmore with me… “Here comes the putter throw.” Apparently, there is some disagreement on the length of the throw – his playing partners say the club was launched; Pete claims it was just a toss. The group moves on to the 5th hole at which point Tucker starts giving Pete the business about his double bogey / putter throw. I don’t know why, but Pete’s response, though simple….was really hilarious. Pete, not even looking at Tucker says, “Mike…I need 2 minutes.” GLOSSY PREDICTION: I think Pete breaks out of his slump tonight against Joe 6-4. If not, at least we will have more Angry Pete stories.
C/D Group – Jason “Cupcake” Nill vs. John “Syndrome” Rayburn. You know how I mentioned above I could get back to a winning record with educated and well-disciplined picks? The reason that is not going to happen is purely because of Captain Cupcake. Twice this year I’ve put Nill in the MOW, and twice I’ve picked him to win (you know…like a good TEAMMATE would). Each time, the most trusty-worth co-commissioner has lost. Does Cupcake accept his loss because his game was not there that given week (or because he just sucks)? Of course not! Each loss was MY FAULT because I put him in the MOW. Well guess what Mr. Teflon Commissioner, you’re in the MOW again this week. And I’m pretty sure I’m putting you in the MOW for the rest of the year until you actually win – you punk! GLOSSY PREDICTION: Cupcake wins 5.5 to 4.5….and if he loses, it won’t be his fault.
THE KREYLING KORNER
Welcome to US Open Week. On June 16, 2016, the world’s best golfers will travel to Oakmont Country Club and try to capture the US Open. This tournament is frequently referred to as the toughest test in golf. What the golfing world does not realize, roughly 260 miles away, the world’s most average golfers (if we can call ourselves average) will compete in the toughest week in the GCCGL.
For one week, league members will not be permitted to roll their ball in the rough (which they really aren’t permitted to anyway based on Section 12Z-150 but whatever), all putts must be holed, and hazards / out-of-bounds will be played according to USGA rules. I’ve been looking forward to this week all year and as I write this, I’m going to make a prediction that will shock most of the members of the GCCGL – I actually do not think the scores will be that different. Certainly it feels as though playing the ball down and eliminating “gimmie” putts will result in each members score being higher by a couple of strokes. I just have a feeling that this is all much ado about nothing.
I mentioned that tonight’s round will be played by the strictest of USGA rules. Naturally, Cupcake surveyed the entire league asking “who is the biggest violator of the USGA Rule Book?” The top 5 are as follows: Oliver Livermore, Mike Harris, Allen Bloomhuff, Danny Roller and Mike Tucker. I’m not sure anyone will be shocked by this list as most of these guys have openly admitted they take full advantage of the GCCGL “rules.” All I can say – the league is watching you…all of you! It will be interesting to compare the scores of these 5 individuals against the average scores Jason sent out earlier this week. Like I said, I don’t anticipate much difference.
Who knew that this week hosted National Monkey Around day…the league has spoken and here are the best responses to what each league member does when they have time to monkey around.
George Almeida – Picks up dog poop and throws it in the neighbor’s yard.
Troy Bachmann – Ballet dance to ABBA in full camouflage with no sleeves.
Allen Bloomhuff – Finds any excuse possible not to play golf on Thursdays.
Seth Brooks – Trying to find where he can get a good fake ID.
Joe Carrier – Stand in as “Grumpy” at Disney world.
Joe Cook – Buying a new golf glove.
Nick Duer – Dress up as Lord Voldemort or play with his 3 foot slide ruler.
Joe Eiser – Fluffing every single shot to make Lip Gloss mad.
Pete Goldenberg – Almost hitting hole in ones.
Mike Harris – Complains to Mitch that he is not good.
Kurt Kreyling – Wear a wig and pretend he’s a high school stud and all the women want him.
Oliver Livermore – Braiding his beautiful locks.
Mike Morell – Making sausages.
Jason Nill – Drag racing teenagers on 17.
Ed Petryk – Going to minor league baseball games and asking players for autographs.
John Rayburn – Monkeying around for John is just him sitting on the couch. Just being John is much more scandalous.
Brian Roddy – Sends emails from Hilary’s private server.
Danny Roller – Catches up on all the WNBA games he missed that week.
John Schemmel – Blindly swiping right on Tinder.
Adam Schott – Lustfully watches Rayburn cut his grass shirtless.
Justin Seiter – You’ll find him at The Banks of course.
Mitch Smith – Has pillow fights with Cletus.
Mike Tucker – Go protective cup shopping.
Brian Turnwald – Watching game tape of his next opponent.
Until next week – fairways and greens my friends.
