2015 – Week 5

Believe it or not we are more than a quarter through the 2015 GCCGL 20th anniversary season and we are still perfect from an attendance perspective thanks to several subs who filled in like Schott, Tucker, Dominik and Bush at the last minute. A huge thanks to all who subbed this week on what turned out to be a cooler than average, but still a pleasant Spring evening.

On a serious note, as you probably already know, May is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month (not really). To promote awareness, we are very excited to announce free monthly prostate exams to all GCCGL members.  All you need to do is call our 24 x 7 hot line at 859.572.8994.  Please take advantage of this very important but somewhat overlooked checkup. What’s unique about our program is that you don’t have to be Cletus’ age to take advantage of this offer. It’s never too early to start thinking about that little walnut-shaped gland.  Plus, if you call with the next 24 hours, you’ll receive a complimentary hernia exam (men only).

Once again, it was a very quiet week. Not much to blog about so let’s talk about this season’s biggest disappointment, Three Men and an Ollie. This team was predicted by golf experts all over the world to finish in the top three in the 2015 GCCGL Tour. Unfortunately for them, it’s been an epic failure thus far.  This bad start is reminiscent of the 2014 start that team Balls and Dolls endured. The only difference is that B&D came across as cute and lovable, less Cletus and Syndrome of course, while Three Men and an Ollie do not. Now, I know that Lip Gloss tries to make up for this with his chic fashion statements and princess persona but it doesn’t nearly narrow the gap far enough. Consider the following:

The thing that still gives Three Men and an Ollie a slight chance is that there are a couple of extra team events this season over previous seasons that could potentially allow them to get back in it or sink further into the depths of the GCCGL basement.

During the post-round gallery conversation, someone mentioned that for the 20th anniversary Battle Golf event, everyone should dress up as a superhero. It’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard. The worst idea I ever heard is allowing the putter to be commandeered during Battle Golf.  I started thinking about what superheroes would match up with GCCGL members. This topic can be debated for weeks among the ranks but here are a couple that quickly came to mind.

Goldie as Shaloman (pronounced, Shalom-man)
Shaloman is a Jewish superhero and is better known to many as the Kosher Crusader. His disguises can include a mini-van driving soccer dad, an inconspicuous white-collar product manager or a New England Patriots fan staunchly in denial that his team has been cheating for the last decade and a half.

History
Legend has it that three wise men used magic to give Shaloman a 7-iron (after being blessed by a licensed Shochet) giving the one who holds it the power to become Shaloman. It is believed that every time Shaolman throws, pounds or beats his golf bag with his magic 7-iron, he is magically stopping any evils happening  at that moment all over the World. He is named “Shaloman”, because Shalom means “peace” in Hebrew.

Powers
A hockey-like golf swing that is remarkably effective and an uncanny ability to find every wayward tee shot no matter how deep in the crap it has landed. His only known weakness is lightning.

Lip Gloss as Metro Man
Metro Man is a vain creature who is in love with his own persona. He loves looking at himself in the mirror and spends massive amounts of time grooming, shopping for clothes, the newest gadgets and pretty much anything else that can make him “Look Cool” to other people. He also spends countless dollars on face & skin lotions, soaps, colones, & grooming accessories.

History
When he was an infant, his home planet was destroyed by a black hole. Before the planet was absorbed, his parents sent him off  to Georgio Armani to stock up on designer jockeys before putting him in an escape pod to Earth, where he ‘landed’ just off the 17th fairway on a posh, upscale golf country club. Growing up, he constantly craved attention and praise and perfected the art of the three-putt.

Powers
His powers include fighting fashion faux pas on golf courses all over the world and the ability to coordinate outfits in seconds. His only known weaknesses include shin-high black socks and anything with plaid.

The big winners for the second week in a row were Roller and Duer Again. They destroyed Three Men and an Ollie (27.5 – 12.5). They were led by Potter who won another 8 points. Meanwhile the Offensive Line pushed around the Massholes and defeated them (23.5 – 16.5). They were led by Big Donkey who took 7.5 points. The Big Bang Theory narrowly squeaked by Daddy Day Care (20.5 – 19.5). They were led by substitute Jen Dominik who stole 7.5 points and handed old man Cletus his first loss of the season.

Talk about getting no respect, Snoodles slid all the way to the 5th overall pick in this season’s draft despite leading his team to the 2014 GCCGL Championship. And now, he has his team playing well and has won a piece of the low net money two weeks in a row (prior to this week) and never got credit for it! The GCCGL officially apologizes for any pain and suffering that may have been caused by this unfortunate oversight.

In other news, the Portuguese Warrior hit two people with his pathetic approach shot into the 9th green. Luckily it hit a bunch of tree limbs on the way down, bounced, then hit Albatross and grazed Grimace on the leg. I did not yell fore which was my fault. I never saw the ball in the glare. I’m just going to start yelling fore after every one of my golf shots just to cover all my bases. Sorry about that. It has been rumored that Lickert’s nickname of Albatross has her so distraught, she’s thinking about resigning from the GCCGL. The GCCGL can’t not withstand any more bad publicity or scandals so I propose a new nickname.  Danielle once picked out her nickname which was funny and she really wanted it to stick but the sensors would not allow it. The best we can do is change one letter and go with Golf Witch. Therefore we’d have a Golf Angel and a Golf Witch. Danielle, please send in the official paperwork to the GCCGL commissioner’s office if you’d like to pursue this nickname change. The MOW pick was wrong again. Word has it that you DON’T want to get picked as the winner of the MOW because of the MOW Jinx. This jinx is picking up steam and is now starting to rival some of the more famous jinxes like the Curse of the Bambino and Curse of the Billy Goat. Only in the GCCGL.

This week is the very important Stableford event! This is the only week in the GCCGL tour where there is no set point limit. YOU get to decide how many points you tally. This is a week where teams can make up some serious ground if all the stars align just right. Good luck! The winners of the low net this week were Potter (A/B) with a low net 29 and Dominik (C/D) also with a low net 29! Great rounds and congratulations to the winners!

We stay on the front side of the Pioneer again. The Witzgall Incident rule applies for the event. We hope to see you on the course and as always, hit ’em straight!

Disclaimer:
The GCCGL in no way is authorized to perform any medical procedures and/or offer any medical advice whatsoever. If members need medical advice, they should consult a real doctor or other appropriate medical professional. Any offers of free medical services by Dr. Cupcake should be carefully scrutinized with extreme prejudice and entered into at your own volition. Any resemblance to real doctors, living or dead, is purely coincidental. It’s a joke people! Ha!