Mr. X
It’s 4:00 AM. I’ve been up for at least an hour. It’s too early for coffee, no? Besides, I’m parched. Seriously, did they mix some sand in the blue cheese at Barleycorn’s last Thursday night? I’m super thirsty and can’t stop drinking ice water. I have my old furry buddy, Newton, by my side. He’s pretty much never been more than an arm’s length away from me for the last 15 years. It’s going to be a long day moving my daughter out of her dorm at Ball State University. Did I tell you she met David Letterman earlier this week? She even got a picture and autograph. Sorry, I’m rambling. I’m really tired. Well, it seems the Portuguese Warrior has ruffled some feathers with last week’s blog. Don’t get me wrong, I received an extra amount of kudos than normal last week but I left some carnage behind. Add to that, this week’s Kreyling Korner where PW was thrown under the bus and left for dead, I can’t help but feel like Tommy (played by Joe Pesci in Goodfellas) did, just before he got whacked. But that’s the price you pay for quality entertainment.
There’s turmoil in the commissioner’s office. Make no mistake. Last season’s all-commissioner team lovefest with all that all-for-one kumbaya crap is GONE! They are turning over every stone and digging for every skeleton to try and discredit the Portuguese one. But they aren’t going to find anything. Do you know why? Because I’m smarter. Yep, I said it. I’m a lot smarter. Granted, that’s not saying much but nonetheless. I told everyone that it was my mission this season to expose Cupcake’s veil of deception thereby exposing his dark side. It’s only week 3 and it has already reared its ugly head. Woah…..what the hell….wait a second. Why does it all of a sudden smell like Cletus’ office? Oh, never mind, it’s the turkey pepperoni that Newton had for breakfast. Time for a walk. I’ll be back in a jiff.
I’m back. As I was saying, there are a lot of bullets flying back and forth. I’m not going to bore you with more of the internal chaos brewing within the GCCGL Commissioner’s office. All I’ll say at this time is that there is a concerted effort to besmirch PW’s good name and that, my friends, is crossing the line. Of course, it’s all fabricated lies from one person who was voted “least trustworthy commissioner” and another who most likely has a collection of pristinely severed body parts scattered at the bottom of East Fork Lake. More to come so stay tuned.
We have a mystery commentator leaving HILARIOUS comments in the surveys that co-commissioner Cupcake sends out every week. We wish we could share them with you on this blog but they are Rated MA and that’s being lenient. If you want to hear what the comments are, stick around for the post-round gathering at the 19th hole each night after golf where everyone gathers around for story time while Lip Gloss reads the latest survey comments from our witty writer. No one has fessed up yet. All the comments seem to be directed on co-commissioner Lip Gloss which kind of makes this whole thing extra funny somehow. The press is having a field day with this breaking story. They are trying to establish a moniker for the anonymous author, throwing around little nicknames like the One-Eyed Pundit, Comment Comic and the Faceless Phallic. But for now, we’ll just refer to him as Mr. X. Mr. X has a somewhat juvenile, but comical, calling card in that he ends all his comments with a text-based emoji of a male body part. I get the feeling that this storyline is just beginning.
What else happened? Ah….yes, Syndrome started a fire on the driving range with his flaming driver. I wasn’t there but from what I heard, JR broke his driver when he used it as a support brace while bending over to grab a ball out of his bucket. Jeez John, I guess you never took a Physics class. What kind of stress-testing do you think they perform on today’s modern golf clubs? You do know that the “flex” capacity on today’s graphite shafts were never meant to hold up a physique neglected by 30+ years of cheap PBR and fried chicken. That poor driver never stood a chance. I’m not saying Syndrome is overweight, but the last time JR brought his pants to the dry cleaners, the lady told him, “we don’t do curtains”. What a shame too, Syndrome was ripping that driver long and down the middle lately. This unfortunate incident threw off JR’s mojo and he got off to a bad start and never really recovered. Look, God knows I’m in no shape to poke fun given my own physique. I’ve gotten so fat that I’m down to one pair of cargo shorts. I’m not kidding. I’m one slice of cheesecake away from wearing sweat pants to the golf course. I’m going for the pear-shaped look this year. I heard it’s coming back. Shhh….. you hear that? That’s the sound of PW’s last remaining friends in the GCCGL turning on him.
We had three blowouts this week. This is the first time in a long time that I can remember three completely lopsided victories in the same week. The big winner this week was Putter Face who crushed Ballers…Schott Callers (25.5 – 14.5). They were led by Fatone and The Senator who both grabbed (7.5 points). Donkey’s Disciples whipped The Process (23.5 – 16.5). They were led by Snoodles who took 8 points this week. The Hackstreet Boys defeated Catalina Wine Mixer (23.5 – 16.5). They were led by new startup, Donkey Enterprises, LLC who won 7 points. This leaves team Catalina Wine Mixer a staggering 27 points behind first place at week three! Although this is not the worst start experienced by a GCCGL team to start the season, it’s not good. Did I mention my lower back was a little tight when I woke up this morning?
This week included a reunion of some old substitute favorites, Seth “KP” Brooks, Kenny G and even L. Texter came out for the first time since 2011! It was good to see some of the old faces. There was also a larger than usual group gathering at Barleycorn’s on Thursday evening. Nice to see everyone keeping the party going. The low net winners were Harris, Tucker, Miller, Cook and Eiser (A/B) with a low net of 31 and Brooks and VanPelt (C/D) with 33. Congratulations to the winners!
We continue match play on the Willows front nine We hope to see you on the course and as always, hit ’em straight! Oh, I almost forgot and I’ll never hear the end of it if I don’t mention it. Ollie got a hole-in-one last week at Sharon Woods. Apparently there were witnesses but we couldn’t find any to come forward. Nice shot Ollie!
George Almeida – GCCGL co-commissioner
