2016 – Week 12
It was a hot and muggy day but at least it was dry. Another great turnout due to five substitutes filling in. We had 22 of 24 golfers show up. A huge thanks to Berkley, Junker, Eaglin, Dominik and VanPelt. With just two months left in the season, it looks like it is a four team race including Laying 8 who’s holding steady and only 18 points out of first place. Any team with Big Donkey can’t ever be ruled out.
Most of us like our jobs. After all, if we didn’t, we’d be doing something else right? However, if you think back to when you were a kid, I seriously doubt that you woke up one day and said to yourself, “Man, I can’t wait to crunch numbers all day, troubleshoot technology issues or sell cable for the best damn cable company on the planet”. All very good alternative careers but they weren’t your “dream” jobs. As a kid, you see things differently. You don’t think about bills, money or responsibilities. Kids are brutally honest and say and do things without thinking about the consequences. For example, several years ago, when my youngest daughter was still a kid, one of her teachers was discussing the plight of the homeless. A question was posed, “What do you or your families do to combat the homeless situation in our country?” Several other kids answered about how they give spare change to them on the streets, or volunteer for various charities through their church. However, when it came to my daughter, she blurted out, “My dad told us to keep our heads down, don’t look them in the eye and keep walking!” The other students were appalled but at least the teacher laughed. Needless to say, I never chaperoned at that school ever again. True story. To be fair, this happened shortly after we took a family vacation to New York City. If you’ve ever visited NYC, then you know you can’t walk two blocks without running into someone panhandling or wanting to squeegee your car window. At least the latter is performing a service! And before you judge me, I needed the change for the subway ride home!
At any rate, back to the “dream jobs”. So this got me thinking back to what some of our dream jobs most likely were when we were kids. Snoodles ‘ dream job was to be a high school girls basketball coach……..oh wait, he does that now but he doesn’t get paid so that technically doesn’t count as a “job”. In a drunken stupor one night, Cupcake confided to me that he always wanted to be a “leg cam” operator for Fox News and Friends. Apparently this is a real thing where the production crew plans and executes shots of a particular female guest’s legs from this “leg cam”. Don’t shoot the messenger! Personally, I find this appalling and inexcusable and on behalf of all decent men out there, I find this deeply offensive! A lot of people think Lip Gloss’ dream job was to become a fashionista but I happen to know this was not his first choice. LG’s passion was and still is to be Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s stunt double. And why not? He’s already got the hairdo down and he’s hitting the gym every week day and on alternate Sundays. The only reason this dream never came to fruition was because he was born with a porcelain, alabaster-like complexion that burns after 3 continuous minutes in the sun. Not a lot of people know this but Goldie’s dream was to be a Mohel (pronounced “moil”). For those of you not versed in Jewish customs, a Mohel is the guy who performs mandatory infant circumcisions. However, this dream was shattered when a young Goldie broke his right pinky finger after smashing a sand wedge during a junior golf league tournament at Martha’s Vineyard. His deformed pinky wouldn’t allow him to securely hold the clamp during mock procedures. To his credit, he did have a backup dream job as a Kosher Butcher. He did manage to land an apprenticeship where he was once quoted as saying, “The money’s good. There’s a union with benefits. And cows have no families. You make a mistake with a cow, you move on with your life”. He was fired after getting caught trying to circumcise a cow. Finally, what about the Portuguese Warrior? Yes, PW had dreams as well….big dreams. His dream job was to become a sports commentator for all different sports. Baseball, football, basketball, hockey……you name it. He would have been happy to comment on any of those sports but his true passion was to become a golf commentator. It was perfectly suited to his forthright, outspoken and candor attitude and he felt that he could potentially change how people perceived the game. Unfortunately this dream crashed and burned after he sent his audition tape looking for internships to several networks. He was blackballed and forbidden from 99% of the private country clubs in America and Eastern Europe. You can view the audition tape below but you’ll need a secret password due to the ‘bluntness” and “frankness” of the commentary. Please email one of the league commissioners for the password and remember, by viewing the audition video, you waive all rights to being offended and are free to laugh. It’s a joke folks!
To view the dream job audition video click HERE.
The Portuguese Warrior rode around this week, mingled with all the members and took a lot of video and pictures throughout the evening. A shout out to Lip Gloss for picking up the cost of my cart. You didn’t have to do that so thanks! Two more weeks and I’ll be off the disabled list. I can’t wait!
There wasn’t a whole lot of movement in the standing this week. The big winners this week were Protein for Peffercorn who wound up with 22 points. They were led by Boot Boy who took 6.5 points. Three Men and a Sub also finished with 22 points. They were led by Marge who grabbed 7 points. Grandpa’s Cough Medicine and laying 8 both finished with 20 points each. They were led by hard luck Goldie who finally found his stroke and won 6.5 points while Big Donkey remained undefeated and nabbed 7 points. The Prince Albert Syndrome was without PA this week and finished with 19 points. They were carried by the Legend who stole another 6.5 points. Bringing up the rear as usual was Gamblers Fallacy who finished with 17 points on the night. They were led by Meat who eeked out 5.5 points.
The Pot Luck event was another success. One surprising nugget had to be how close the team scores turned out considering that the Pot Luck event pits A/B against C/D therefore setting up the potential for “favorable” or “unfavorable” matches. I think that says something for the old Cletus Handicap system. It actually works.
The low net winners were Ed Petryk (A/B) with a low net of 26! Big Ed is back to his hall of fame ways. Justin Seiter (C/D) took the low net with a net score of 29. Congratulations to the winners! We move to the back nine of the Pioneer for the next two weeks. There is no new Prince Albert Chronicles this week since the Prince wasn’t present. There are a bunch of new pictures in the photo album. Check them out! We hope to see you on the course and as always, hit ‘em straight!
George Almeida – GCCGL Co-Commissioner
