2019 – Week 10

Well, I tried. I woke up early Saturday morning, really early, and started to pour through that fakakta spreadsheet that Cupcake maintains. If you don’t know the meaning of the Yiddish word, “fakakta”, ask Goldie. CC was nice enough to include instructions with pictures and everything but Holy Mother of Pearl! That damn spreadsheet is way too complex for my little pea brain. I could be wrong but if a spreadsheet requires a mountain of instructions and a 45-minute certification exam at the end, it might be a little overkill. That spreadsheet reminds me of Taylor Swift, it’s very pretty and sexy on the surface but if you get too involved, you’ll be beaten down and emasculated. I looked at those instructions for nearly 30 minutes and then attempted to apply what I just learned, which of course was nothing! By the time 6:00 am arrived, my head was about to explode and my right eye began feverishly ticking every few seconds. I quickly realized that if I was to make it through the weekend, then I had to close the spreadsheet and move on. However, this experience reinforced what I already knew to be true which is my deep appreciation for co-commissioners Cupcake and Lip Gloss and the amount of personal time and effort that is put into this league. You don’t believe me? Just ask Cletus about his experience setting up the tee times. By the time he was done sending out his revised tee times for the 5th time, he had aged another 10 years and was looking more and more like Keith Richards. We found him walking around in a daze muttering nonsense and trying to break into the “Mother’s Room” near the learning center.

We are officially halfway through the season! And we haven’t even had a meaningful debate about handicaps……until now. Listen, I know my fellow co-commissioners are going to hate me for bringing up this topic but something needs to be said about a C/D Player like me, having to hand out 11 strokes to Swiper. Yes, I know, I know…. I was the beneficiary of receiving 11 strokes from Big Donkey last week. Do you know what I have to say about that? Nothing, we’re not talking about me. Swiper is not a 25 HC. At worst, he’s a solid 18-20. My only option going into the match was to bitch and complain about the handicap system from the second my foursome was on the first tee to the last putt of the round. I was lucky to scrape out 4.5 points despite shooting 3 under my handicap. Of course, Swiper (aka Mr. Low Net) unofficially got low net again (3x) this season. I say unofficially because as stated earlier in this blog, I have not and will not go near that spreadsheet therefore, nothing has been confirmed.

It seems to be a two-team race at this point between Wrath of Serkan and I’d Tap That. It’s a great storyline because you have two guys in Lip Gloss and Potter who have been in the league the longest without ever winning a GCCGL Championship. It looks like one of those guys might finally realize their dream this season but like I said last week, there’s plenty of time left for the other teams to make a move.

In other news, most of you already know that a group of GCCGL members is heading out to Vegas for a golf tournament in August. The group consists of Big Donkey, Snoodles, Potter, and Syndrome. The wild card, of course, is Syndrome. There’s no telling how this group will fare on what’s sure to be a hot August weekend in the desert. They’ve already begun planning how they can leverage the naivety of the millennial generation into thinking that Potter is actually actor, Mark Ruffalo incognito vacationing with his old high school buddies. I’m not 100% sold that this little plot will work. It might have a chance if Syndrome keeps the alcohol flowing and Potter grows a beard.

Once again, the topic of conversation switched to PW’s wardrobe. I was hoping to sneak by without anyone noticing but Goldie snapped a picture of me NOT WEARING cargo shorts. Check out Han Solo smoking a butt. This kid is a pisser! For the record, I couldn’t find any cargo’s on Thursday morning so it was either this or jeans and I’d rather golf in my skivvies than in jeans. Sorry Cletus, but it’s true. At any rate, check out the Photo Album as we continue to add pics here and there. We need more so please feel free to take more pictures throughout the rest of the season and send them my way.

I’m not 100% on who won low net but unofficially I think it may have been Goldie/Duer with a 32 (A/B) and Swiper with a 31 (C/D). Congratulations to the winners, whoever you are. Why don’t we just give Swiper all the C/D low net money now and save all of us from the delusion that any other C/D player can actually win low net against a 25 HC. I shot a net 31 last week and a net 33 this week and I got bupkis! I think the top two teams wound up with about the same number of points (WOK – 19.5) and (ITT – 19), leaving the standings relatively unchanged. As for the other teams, you’ll get some ink when you get closer than 30 points.

Finally, our tee time was moved up to 5:16 pm. I spoke with the clubhouse pro and he has rectified their mistake. We will tee off at 5:16 pm so please don’t make PW look like the fool. Be on time and ready to go at 5:16 pm. We move to the back of the Willows for the next two weeks. Week 11 features the always popular but dreaded US Open week which means we are playing the ball down, NO ROLLING THE BALL. NO GIMMIE PUTTS and teeing off from the tips. Make sure you have 14 clubs in your bag and if you think you hit one out of bounds on your tee shot, YOU BETTER HIT A PROVISIONAL or you’ll be going back to the tee and teeing off again. If you can’t make it, please give one of our subs a chance to play.

We hope to see you on the course and as always, hit ‘em straight!

The Portuguese Warrior – GCCGL co-commissioner