2013 – Week 7

Another great day. The thunderstorms held off and we actually had beautiful weather for the evening. Another fantastic turnout (23 of 24) golfers.  Thanks to the subs who came out, Seiter (Legend), Szylakowski, Lickert, Bleeker and Dominik.

Oh that Cletus!
It was a lively night this week. We teed off on time, the first group finished their round before 7:30pm! Almost everyone stayed for the after-round festivities and there was plenty of cold refreshments available. Controversy seems to follow Cletus where ever he goes. During the match between Knechtges and Cletus, Cletus hits his ball into the woods on one of the holes. As he’s looking for his ball, Donnie Golf Games decides he’s going to take a stroll in the jungle searching for golf balls. Donnie boy, I know times are tough, but is it really necessary to spend 10 minutes looking for balls in the woods? He came out with 6 slightly used, water logged balls. As he exits the woods, Cletus asked him if he found his ball with 7 dots on it. As it turned out, Don did find a ball with 7 dots on it. What a coincidence! After realizing he picked up Cletus’ ball, he dropped it in the rough. Cletus then addresses the ball where Don dropped it and hit his next shot. He tells Knechtges that he’s not taking a penalty for a lost ball because after all, the ball was not lost. Not only that, he never touched the ball, Paul Bunyan did when searching for golf balls. What do you think? Is that fair? If that wasn’t enough, apparently neither Cletus or Knechtges gave each other any gimmies all night long. This is not unusual for a Cletus match. However, on one particular hole, Cletus came up about 1 inch short on a par putt. Knechtges had not conceeded the putt however. So Cletus decides he’s going finish the hole by getting down on the green and using the butt of the putter like a pool cue and tries to sneak one in the side pocket. To everyone’s surprise, he misses! That’s what you get for being……..Cletus! Long story short, Cletus winds up taking a penalty on his lost ball and Knechtges gives him the 1 inch tap in. So a gentleman’s agreement was made on the 19th hole between Cletus and Knechtges. If FPS and #teamname finish tied for first place, that 1/2 point that Knechtges gave Cletus will be the deciding factor in who wins the GCCGL Championship. Yea, I’d like to see that stand up in the GCCGL commissioner’s kangaroo court.

Battle of the Roids
On the 18th hole, something strange occurred. The foursome of Cletus, Knechtges, Dominik and Donnie Golf Game was finishing out their putts. Donnie Golf Game putts then proceeds to pick up his ball and whip it right at Cletus and nails him! What the hell is going on?! Cletus grabs Don and gives him a shove and then Don takes offence and pushes back harder. Cletus’ eyes are now full blown bug-eyed and he goes into hillbilly cage fighting mode and goes after Don and wraps his arm with his golf club. The last time I saw a Redneck’s eyes like that, they had taken the Dukes of Hazard off the air. This was for real. In the immortal words of the Bud Light commercial guys…..HERE WE GO! This could be the first GCCGL UFC bout in history taking place! The War with Moore, The Exchange by the Range, Steroids versus Hemorrhoids (give me a break, these are really hard to make up). There were Oooooos and Aaaaaahs from the gallery. Folks were yelling and laughing. I believe there were a couple of quick side bets placed as well and I think I even heard a guy trying to sell programs which turned out to be an old Pioneer scorecard. Damn, that was a waste of $15. Anyway, cooler heads prevailed and they both stepped away and let each other go. Whew, that was a close one. How crazy would that have been watching an old, decrepit Cletus wrestling a juiced up, middle-aged computer nerd on the 18th green at Kenton County Golf Courses? If this had gone on for just a few more seconds, the phones would have popped out and the video would have gone viral by now. But lets get serious here for one moment, this incident did not have to happen. Unfortunately this type of behavior is side effect of steroid use. That’s right, hooked on the slop, addicted to the sauce, abusing the red power ranger…..El Canseco. Donnie baby, get off the juice buddy. It’s bad mumbo jumbo. We are here to help Donnie. It’s best to stop cold turkey. If initiating a fight with and old man on a golf course isn’t enough of a sign, then there’s nothing left to be said.

Disclaimer: The GCCGL in no way is insinuating anyone in this league is taking performing enhancement drugs and is not responsible for those who take this blog literally as none of the material can be substantiated and is merely posted for entertainment value only.

Other News
Syndrome complained about playing in the group behind Gobstopper. He was tired of having to putt through the craters on the greens left behind by Gobstopper’s footsteps. So of course that prompted me to take a look at Gobstopper’s feet. Man, those are some Big Bird kickers. You know what they say about people that have big feet………..they wear extra large socks…………… and leave craters on golf greens. Remmington has spoken up, he prefers Bleeker over Beaker. OK, George, you are now officially Bleeker! I’m not sure that’s the right decision but I’ll respect it. I’d much rather be referenced to a lovable red-headed Muppet than an obscure, Canadian actor. But that’s me. Besides, I’m willing to bet that Beaker sees more action with the honeys than Michael Cera ever did. As the foursome of Gobstopper, Golf Angel, Lickert and Lipgloss approached the 18th green, someone yelled out to Gobstopper and asked, “Hey Troy, how was it playing with all girls?” You see, that’s funny because Lipstick is a guy…….ha! I’d give credit to whoever said it but I don’t remember. I apologize for that. You see, with age comes a few unfortunate realities. First there’s the hair loss. That’s usually followed by weight gain, bifocals and kleptomania. Frequent urination, annual prostate exams and the unexplainable loss of all driving skills are next. Finally, the memory starts to fade and you can barely remember why you got out of bed. It isn’t any fun getting old.

Retraction
In last week’s blog, I stated that Roller had suggested that the woman should be forced to hit from the men’s tees. However, I have come to find out that it was actually co-commissioner Cupcake who threw out this suggestion, NOT Snoodles. Therefore, the GCCGL officially retracts the statements made last week regarding the argument between Snoodles and co-commissioner Lipgloss. We apologize for any distress this may have caused Snoodles and his family.

We had very close team matches this week. The standings are tightening up! The big winners this week, were Slicers not Hookers who defeated Who’s Your Caddie (22.5 – 17.5). They were led by Just Joe who grabbed 7 points. Free Pork Sandwich beat the first place #teamname (22 – 18). They were led by Barry Gibb who continues to make a statement (albeit very deliberately and methodically). He managed another 7 points last night. Tiagra Woods and Moore’s Misfits tied (20 – 20). Only 7 points separate the top 4 teams! The low net winners were Joe Eiser (A/B) with a low net of 32 and Donnie Golf Game (C/D) with a low net of 33. This is the third time Don has won low net! This, coupled with the roid rage displayed on the 18th green, has prompted an investigation into performance enhancing drug use. This will not be tolerated in this league. Testing will be conducted and any suspected violations will be dealt with accordingly. First time offenders must serve an entire year as Ollie’s ball spotter. That’s right. And if you are not able to find each and every ball, 2 additional weeks will be added for every ball not found. Serious punishment for serious violations.

We move to the friendly confines of the Pioneer for the next four weeks! Sores will go down. Confidence will be lifted. Rainbows will blossom and some of us might even break 50! Unfortunately, this co-commissioner will not be there this week due to prior commitments so unless one of the other co-commissioners step up, there will be no blog update next week. We have a few new pics in the photo album. Hope to see you on the golf course and as always, hit ’em straight!

George Almeida, GCCGL Co-Commissioner