Good day GCCGL members! We finally had a beautiful day on Thursday which had a lot of folks smiling as they walked into the clubhouse. But those smiles quickly turned into frowns as the Willows Back reared its ugly head and began to chew up the majority of golfers on the course. Approximately 75% of the league finished over net par. Yikes! The attendance was, um…… what’s the word I’m looking for…….CRAP! Well, actually that wasn’t the first word that came to mind but we gotta keep it clean for the censors. So let’s start this post by addressing the elephant in the room. Where the hell are the subs this season? Officially we have 25 substitutes on the 2017 GCCGL roster but judging by this season’s turnout, you’d think we had 5. Overall attendance is down to 94% which is the worst it’s been in recent memory. And we haven’t even hit vacation season yet. So what’s the answer? The commissioner’s office has devised a point system to encourage subs. Earn points just for subbing and soon you can cash them in for your choice of GCCGL Rewards below.
Manly Massage (with CupCake)
Earn points towards a soothing one hour full body massage by co-commissioner Cupcake. Sink into a deep tranquil trance while CC rubs all your stress away with his surprisingly smooth ladylike hands using a special shiatzu technique he picked up in Iraq. If you sub for one of the special events, Cupcake will take his shirt off for the last half hour.
Hit the range before your match and take a shot at smashing a range ball at the direction of a winding Squirts from about 150 yards away. You earn extra points if you knock his hat off his head.
Schmoozing with Syndrome
Join Syndrome’s foursome where instead of insulting and berating you for two hours, YOU get to shower Syndrome with abuses and cruelties while he praises and complements you the entire round. And if you sub three weeks in a row, you also get access to Syndrome’s insight of how to insult others without them knowing you insulted them.
Caddy Treatment (with Gobstopper)
Get your own personal caddy treatment courtesy of our lovable Gobstopper. For just a few points, you will golf in style while Gobstopper carries your clubs, cleans your balls, wipes your clubs, advises you on yardage, club selection and course strategy. And for only 5 additional points, you won’t need to pay for a cart. Gobstopper will carry you around the course. This is truly a great deal.
Upcoming events include Jamming Joey where you get to ride around the course with Boot Boy and change his music to anything you want and make him listen to it. Bringing your own playlist is encouraged. Also, Win Cletus’ Money where no matter what the bet is, YOU are always the winner! You are guaranteed to go home with $20 or more. Finally, Project Runway with Lip Gloss where LG offers up his fashionista services. By the time he’s done with you, you’ll be dressing like Boy George.
Enough of this nonsense. Regardless of the attendance woes, we had a great day of golf. The big winners this week were Dropping Deuces who absolutely annihilated Birdies, Eagles and a Crowe (29.5 – 10.5). They were led by Cupcake and PW who both scored 8 points each. DD moved out of last place with the win. BEC woes continued as they have now dropped 3 team matches in a row and moved from 2nd place to last place within the last two weeks. I’m not positive, but I don’t think that has ever happened before. The Young Guns keep separating themselves from the pack as they win their 4th win in a row by defeating the sinking Just End the Season (23.5 – 16.5). They were led by GCCGL rookie, J. Miller, who took 7.5 points. Meanwhile, Strait to Church and ROVER were locked in a grudge match which was narrowly won by STC (21 – 19). They were led by Couzin’ Joe who grabbed 7 points.
There was some weirdness on the course this week for sure. We had an instance where the foursome of Cupcake, Crowe, Prince Albert and Lip Gloss searched around for PA’s ball for quite a while and finally found a Titleist 2 that he thought was his. He hit up to the green and as the rest of the foursome were getting ready to putt. Then all of a sudden, Cousin’ Joe drives up and said Squirts wanted him to check the ball that PA hit. It turned out it WAS Squirts’ ball so the Prince started the night off with an 8. The weird part is that PA actually hit Squirts’ ball considering Squirts’ foursome was BEHIND him! That has to be a first.
The Portuguese Warrior got hit by another golf ball! This makes 5 times in case you are counting. This time by Mr. Robinson. Once again, it was totally, 100% my fault! I was in front slightly left of his line but apparently not far enough. I froze like deer in headlights and the ball one-hopped and hit me in the leg. As far as being dinged by a golf ball goes, I barely felt anything. Brian, put some muscle into it next time will ya!
On hole #17, the (Cupcake, Crowe, Prince Albert, Lip Gloss) foursome hears a little girl screaming bloody murder from the woods. Alarmed, they turn to towards the commotion not knowing what to expect. What they found was LG holding his ……um….. “kiwis” and in quite a bit of pain. As he walked back to the group, still wincing from the episode, he had something in his hand and was showing it to his foursome. It was a dead bug. You see, what happened was that Lip Gloss was “watering the weeds” if you get my drift. After all, it’s been a couple of days with no rain, when a bug latched on and bit his junk. As you can imagine, I for one, have a lot of questions like “Why did the family jewels make an appearance in the first place?” There’s this new invention called the “zipper” which was specifically created so that men wouldn’t have to take out “the boys” when they have to whiz. Also, “Why did the bug go for LG’s nuggets and what kind of bug was it?” Chances are that it was some bug in the aphids species. They like to feed on very tiny, wrinkly withered up raisins.
Let’s get it over with, the profile spotlight this week is the Portuguese Warrior. There’s so much to pick apart and poke fun at when it comes to PW, my height, my age, the whole baldness thing, my lack of fashion sense…..I could go on and on and I have for many years on this blog. But it is still hard writing about yourself so for better or worse, the profile spotlight is none other than yours truly, PW.
Since we’ve talked a little about PW getting hit by another golf ball, it felt right that this history lesson be about the “art of getting hit by a golf ball ” post going back to 2013. As many of the GCCGL veterans know, PW is a magnet for errant golf shots. I can’t really explain it. I guess I’m just I’m just luck. If you want to read more about it, click HERE.
The low net winners were Snoodles and Lip Gloss (A/B) with a low net of (33) and Cletus (C/D) also with a low net of (33). Congratulations to the winners! We stay on the Willows back this week. If you like what you’ve read, then join the conversation and leave a comment. We hope to see you on the course and as always, hit ’em straight!
George Almeida – GCCGL Co-Commissioner