The inaugural PGA Rules Event took place on this day and it was nothing short of a smashing success! It was the brain child of co-commissioner Lip Gloss and it lived up to its billing. It had a little bit of everything including controversy, secret passions, emergency bowel movements and some REALLY bad golf!
BEFORE you read on. Grab a cup of coffee and shut the door if you have one and/or are in the office. Make sure to have a nice Danish pastry handy, preferably something with some custard or frosting or both. Do away with all distractions for the next fifteen minutes because the first annual GCCGL US Open event was nothing short of SPECTACULAR! The weather was great, we had perfect attendance, thanks to our wonderful subs, Lane, Knechtges and Robinson, blah…blah….blah… OK, let’s get right to it shall we?
Fits from the Tips
As soon as I got to the clubhouse, I knew it was going to be a great night. While explaining the reason for not playing this week to the guys at the counter, one of them yelled out, “Sure you had hernia surgery, you just didn’t want to play from the tips!” I ignored the old man and chalked it up to dementia. Then I got to hole #10 and saw the fourth group getting ready to tee off from the back tees. Oh crap, when did this happen? Here’s the REAL story.
Cupcake texted Lip Gloss stating “murmurs” about playing from the tips. LG responded, “Love that”, and Cupcake made the decision to play from the tips. I was led to believe that Cupcake introduced the idea, which technically he did introduce it to Lip Gloss. However, unbeknownst to LG and myself, the “idea” was first brought up by others like Big Donkey, Co-op and Gobstopper. Fast forward to hole #12. I asked Cupcake about who’s idea it was to play from the tips and he said it wasn’t his and made it sound like he had nothing to do with it. At any rate, I don’t want to belabor the issue. There’s nothing I nor anyone else can do to expose co-commissioner Cupcake for the sneaky little piss-ant he is. But I’ll be the bigger man and admit I jumped to conclusions and trusted my sources before all the information was verified (damn you LG). I officially apologize for accusing you of suggesting it was your idea and for calling you a sneaky little piss-ant. I also apologize for the unedited text message below that was sent to me by Lip Gloss between him and Cupcake. I don’t think he meant to send me the entire transcript. Suddenly, things make sense. I always wondered why I felt like a third wheel at the annual GCCGL Commissioners Winter Meetings. The jig is up boys……not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Judge, Jury and Executioner
I gotta admit, I had a blast out there as the PGA Event official, driving the cart and mingling with all the foursomes. It didn’t take long for my first official ruling as Snoodles duffed one to the right off the tee that rolled into the flower bed on hole #10. I got there a little late so this was my first foursome. We got to the flower bed and searched. There were five of us searching about a 20 square foot area and still couldn’t find his ball! After 5 minutes, Snoodles had to drop and hit his third. Group #3 (Ollie, Boot Boy, KP, a.k.a. Co-Op and Lane) had to be warned about slow play. There was also Lane’s “cart” ball on #15. Which fell under rule 24-2b of the Official PGA Rule book.
Under Rule 24-2b Immovable Obstruction – If your ball lies on or near the cart path or when the obstruction interferes with your stance or the area of intended swing you may take free relief – you must determine the nearest point of relief no closer to the hole with in one club length and the ball must be dropped.
I also witnessed co-commissioner Cupcake 3-putt from two feet on hole #12 (Par 5) for nice tight score of 13! I should have known he would do that and videoed it but I didn’t. I did manage to get a couple of pics!
Happy wife, happy life
I brought my own libations this week. I went with Rhinegeist Truth (5 cans). Part of why I was late getting to the golf course was because I had to go home to change and pack up a cooler of beer. As I’m packing my cooler, my wife of 25 years looks over at me stuffing beer after beer into the cooler and says in that “wifey voice” and condescending look only a partner of 25 years could get away with and says:
Wife: “What the hell do you’re think you’re doing?”
PW: “Packing beer for golf tonight”
Wife: “Uh, yea I can see that, but WHY?”
PW: “Cause I’m going to get thirsty out there enforcing the rules”
Wife: “Do you think that’s wise given you’re 7 days removed from surgery?”
PW: “I’m fine. I put some Windex on my scar”
Wife: “But why are you packing 5 beers!”
PW: “Cause I don’t have 6 ….duh”
Truth be told, I may have underestimated the alcohol content in those suckers. Did you know the AC in those Truth beers is 7.2%? I was feeling a little “stupid” after 3 of them. So I double parked the cart under a tree off the 15th green and watched all the groups hit up and drank the rest of them. Everyone complained about the black flag on the green because they were hitting their approach shots long. They thought the hole was cut towards the back of the green. What they didn’t know was that BLACK means MIDDLE and BLUE means BACK. Thanks for the info Big Donkey. That’s why he’s the best GCCGL golfer in the league folks.
Prince Albert in the can
A funny thing happened while I was getting plastered near the 15th green. Prince Albert’s group was putting and I noticed the Prince doing a jig on the green. “Why the happy feet PA?” It seems that Prince Albert had been suffering from food poisoning for the last couple of days and as a result, he’d been squeezing his butt cheeks for at least 5 holes and something was about to give. PA had to “release the prisoners” if you get my meaning. And let me tell you something, they were doing some “hard time”……pew! Prince quickly made his putt, grabbed his clubs and sprinted for the porta potty. Now, all of you who played, know how hot it was this past week. Who knows how often that porta potty is sanitized? The “deposits” laying at the bottom of that putrid square piece of pressure molded plastic most likely have been fermenting in the heat for several days, if not weeks. The smell radiating off of that thing was so bad even STINK would say it STINKS (©Fat Bastard). Only a desperate sole would venture in there. Prince Albert was desperate. You’re probably wondering if this moment was captured on video. It was. If you listen carefully, you can hear the suffering that poor Prince was enduring. This is classic GCCGL hijinks.
It was a good night!
There’s so much more to talk about but I’m just going to have to wait until next time as this blog post is getting long and I can feel all of you aging rapidly. So I leave you with a little tribute in honor of the first GCCGL PGA Rules event. The first of many I’m sure.
The big winners this week were The Prince Albert Syndrome who crapped all over Gamblers Fallacy (29.5 – 10.5). You see what I did there? They were led by The Legend who squeezed out 8 points. Oops, I did it again! Ha! The big win catapulted them into first place! Grandpa’s Cough Medicine finally got back in the win column by defeating Protein for Peffercorn (21.5 – 18.5). They were led by Mr. Robinson who nabbed 6.5 points. Brian’s phone immediately starting ringing off the hook after Cupcake’s results were published. His substitute schedule is filling up faster than the porta potty on the 15th hole. Bazinga! I’m on a roll baby! Laying 8 narrowly beat Three Men and a Sub in a close match (20.5 – 19.5). They were led by the hired assassin, T. Lane, who stole 8 points. The top three teams are within 10 points of each other. The bottom three teams, well…….they stink.
The low net winners this week were Big Donkey and T. Lane (A/B) with an impressive low net of 34 and Squints and B. Robinson (C/D) with an impressive low net of 35. They were the ONLY four players to finish under par for the week. Congratulations to the winners! We stay on the Willows Back nine this week but it will feel like the Pioneer front after PGA Rules week! Don’t forget to tune into the ongoing hit soap opera we like to call, the Prince Albert Chronicles. It’s a good one. We hope to see you on the course and as always, hit ‘em straight!
George Almeida – GCCGL Co-Commissioner